The reason that I am so prone to 'zone' is this: as a child, I made a choice based on what I had come to know of the world, that nearly all of the positive experiences that moved me most, the meaningful and beautiful relationships and adventures - each of them took place in a book I was reading. I had a yearling, and a faithful dog, and black stallion; I lived on the ranch, or in the castle, and I was able to do right, and to have the satisfaction of seeing the fruits of my righteous labors.
In that common reality, though, I knew only loss. Everyone and everything in my life seemed to be a disappointment or, if anything else, a higher perch from which to fall from at the next one.
Which existence was I likely to choose as a child?
Well, I chose it, and I'm left as an adult to traverse the wilderness between this wonderful, carefree world which I made my home, and that one. I must resist the draw, the fear of leaving this safe place, only to climb towards a more painful existence - one that, when I am trapped within it, transforms me into a son, a brother, a cuckolded husband, a father, and a friend whom others rely on. I don't feel ready to be any of those things.
