wow

i forgot all about this. life's been hoppin'. i've been well. and not. and so. and so. i feel the welling of much i wish to express, to lay out before myself for evaluation - but i wish to heed not that urge. maybe later. maybe i am forsaking something that won't return; i'll keep this moment, though, and myself.

time = gravity^-1

have scientists figured out, yet, that gravity is the inertial tendency of matter to occupy its former position within the stream of time? time flows outward from the center of all matter; which is the center of each piece of matter; which is the "beginning" and "end" of time, matter, Universe, Existence, the exact coordinate of the "Big Bang," which is still occurring. all that is exists within a single point. matter is infinitely densely compressed nothing, moments upon moments occupying the same space. awareness is the most basic building block of All that Is; awareness, traversing awareness towards awareness creates and sustains Existence.

check out fractals; that's how awareness, time, potential, existence, and dimensions progress. 1+1=3; creation; creation through awareness of what exists - awareness, consciousness of what already is, comes to exist from nothing. that consciousness becomes something else of which to be conscious.

recollections of serindipity thus far for 05OCT2009

early today got money long expected, had recently come to expect not at all. bank called later - never having called before - this afternoon, wondering when intend to resolve negative balance of now charged off and closed account; will take care of tomorrow. great conversation after sharing rare and unlikely encounter made possible by newfound affluence; set at ease conversational counterpart in manner otherwise not plausible, peace ensued. see clock, 3:33 - it's the oven's, and it's twelve minutes fast. see clock, 3:33 - it's the computer's, and it's accurate, and it's the first time i've accessed it in hours. yesterday, unsolicited text proffering sale of an item would not usually invest in, despite the enormous worth of its use; today, didn't have to think twice prior to pouncing... a Bodhisattvatic journey looms ahead. see clock, 5:55. think about bank's call, think it'd be nice to bank through paypal; wonder how to deposit to paypal with no active plastic... receive an email hours later, from paypal, advertising never before seen product: MoneyPak - a paper card, sold at many retail stores, that credits PayPal account. all these answers to questions just posed, wondered-not-worried over - peace throughout. feeling perfect, being one with such wholesome wellbeing that renders apparent triviality of tangible manifestations of Universe's intent - know something so much larger, individual affirmations trite by compare; knowledge of the nature of the "white noise" of progress, neither purposeful nor coincidental, neither intended nor accidental, evolution from point to point - each contained within the other - of the Beginending.

Platonic Sleeping Partner Sought - m4w

Date: 2009-09-23, 10:58PM

From dictionary.net:
Platonic love - a pure, spiritual affection, subsisting between persons of opposite sex, unmixed with carnal desires, and regarding the mind only and its excellences


As the title suggests, I seek a platonic sleeping partner. I have been celibate for more than the last year, now. My former, sporadic, spontaneous platonic sleeping partner has migrated away from Lafayette.

The person suited to this role does not seek flippancy; if we are to speak, it will be primarily regarding the deepest of subjects, and be an exercise of baring our souls. I seek a partner interested in silence, or in intimate verbal exchange. I'd hope that, if you wish to speak at length, with frequency, you are capable of awakening in me a specific sense of the universal unity that I am aware of in a general manner; I think that the ability to do so is merely a matter of willingness - we all have a beautiful soul.

I do not expect common standards of propriety to be upheld - though I will uphold them until you demonstrate or communicate comfort with my disregard of them. I.e., I don't have a "warming up" period regarding camaraderie, and I don't expect you to say "excuse me" if you burp or step on my toes.

I suppose a plausible danger of this practice is that either of us may feel that we are "falling in love with" the other. As long as we communicate openly, I think the danger is insignificant. I don't fear this. If you do, I reassure you that I will, as in all things, remain honest and forthright; I will not be heedless of your feelings, nor abruptly distance myself.

Regarding a possible arrangement, all conditions are negotiable.

My reasons for desiring such company are these:
I am brought peace and comfort by sharing sleep with another.
I do not know any single (in regards to relationship status) person within the vicinity of Lafayette who meets my criteria.
I don't wish to be amorously emotionally depended on by any one whom I am likely to meet.
I intend to leave the state within a time frame of no more than several months.


I'm not "crazy," nor am I unhinged in some way that renders me outwardly unable to function "normally" within society and social situations. I'm just brainy and spiritual and autonomous and different in ways that leave me alienated from most people, as most seem to find discomfort in meaningful, genuine interaction. Most people I know are "shallow" by the standard by which I gauge - either shallow, or unwilling to care for another human being without propriety and reassurances. I care not about your status in life regarding material things; I'm not afraid of your past; I will know who you are upon seeing your face.

Information that will likely be of import to some of you, though I'd rather it not matter to you at all:
5' 9.5"
165 lbs
Caucasian
I probably qualify as "good looking."

If you seek further information or exchange, please contact me. I'm happy to make new friends; I exclude no one from consideration.

If you are generally curious about this message or its author, please contact me.


Be at peace.


-Edward

altitude

so, i'm flying up here

in the stratosphere - and wondering -

why don't they join me?

i'm cruising throughout

pure potential about -

why don't they join me?

so, times go by

and i no longer want to fly

just pining to crash

amongst them.

then, i notice this Guy,

the way he strolls on by

like he's apart from the mass;

i loathe him.

who is this dipshit?

oblivious to them all

regarding them each.

what's Earth, the big Ball? -

his damned own beach?

i dislike him.

but i'm curious.

moving amongst the crowd,

neither quiet nor loud -

conspicuously nondescript.

like he's one with it.

who is this cat?

he's peace-filled and chill,

receiving, rendering no ill -

like he knows all about

what I see.

who is this - !

It's Me! It's what I see them see,

strolling about the mundanity

though I see a swath so, so broad

oh my god!

o' my lord!

a Realization sets in

and

i see my beloved kin

flying the same skies as me,

only

- to me, invisibly.

i'm thrilled - what fun!

do they know they're up here, too?

if it's true

and they do

how do i go about

getting through?

wait! what about my views?

what? - they're not profaning me?

oh, i don't know how to take this news;

we each are just what I see?

it's all Zen,

not hypocrisy;

it's all what i'm within,

but me.

take my hand, and realize where you are

flying here where freedom comes free

sharing love, allowing all to be

just what it is that each and all are

let go and arrive at this place so far from far

freefall and become

what is to come

when your body sets you free

and you can finally join we

become the ineffable

and Be.

where all there is,

is Me.

The way I see

I think the reason that I do not react emphatically or with passion to the things that I do and experience in life is this: my experience of life is awareness not of myself flowing through life, but awareness of life flowing through me; there are few experiences that alone substantially impact the whole of what I have become. Every day of experiences is a meteor shower; this planet has meteorites for memories; each meteor's trajectory and impact - our shared experience.

The first time I've recorded, at length, any account of Nirvana (an e-mail response to an inquiry)

As always, no apologies are necessary.

Your message has left me with much to think of - specifically, the ordering of my thoughts regarding the experience and how it has altered me. I am still, a year or more later, bewildered by what I encounter when I begin to delve in to the bits of decipherable memory that I have relating to the experience.

I began this message intending to tell you that I would not, in this message, include anything regarding the Nirvanic experience, because, to relate anything relevant would take time and - necessarily - a more pure- and balanced-than-usual state of mind from which I would be able to recount what remains so elusive. Maybe I'll get somewhere if I just begin, though.

I don't expect the following to be easy to read. I intend to let go and let something else guide this. I'm helpless to sort it out.

Note: I use the term "Nirvana" because I believe it to be the most accurate, currently-existing and widely recognized attempt to define what it is that I experienced. What I experienced cannot be labeled or directly described; it is so simple and profound as to defy language the ability to address it - as I have done since realizing the absolute, infinite and nothing, I attempt to describe its context, to illuminate something that indicates it; all of these attempts themselves are bound to be incomplete, or failures. I attempt to describe a ball bearing using only Legos; Legos being words, the ball bearing being Nirvana - the One Truth that is the Beginning and the End and the flesh of all that lies between, nothing.

I do not recall the transition in to or out of Nirvana. My initial Nirvanic experience was catalyzed by my realization of the nature of a specific love that I had at the time, and of the implications of what I came to know of the nature of love and awareness as a result of this enlightenment. I do not recall how long I remained Nirvana, but I do know that - in the period of time immediately following the experience - I described it as having lasted three weeks; I don't know what reference I used to come to that conclusion. I was able to return, at will, to that state; each time following the first time, though, I soon felt an entropy, a sort of gravity associated with my being in a human state, that drew me away from the purity that my awareness had become. I didn't get "too far" away, and I returned several times. I persisted in returning to Nirvana (again, I do not recall the transition to or from), and would be bewildered upon finding myself as a human again, and consumed with the need to know why I continued to return to my impure state of being. Finally, one time soon after returning, I sensed (as a resonation, an echo from some place unfathomable - the awareness I'd just returned from), that the reasons for my return were these: I knew that such peace would be granted me again, though perhaps not until my death; in being blessed beyond blessing in having been granted the experience of such, I was more desperate to share the respite I had been granted than I was to cling to it myself - there is no room for doubt, or anything else, when in that state; I knew that my returning was purposeful. I'm human again, though, and I often long to be what I became.

The experience.. the experience was oneness. Purity. Balance. Wholeness. Everything. Nothing. I no longer knew "I". I no longer had an identity separate from being; I was all; there was no "I"; there was no frontier between "me" and awareness, and I experienced everything, was aware of everything. My awareness was as a sphere; the sphere encompassed all that is and was contained within all that is; my human senses blended with or were insignificant within or were lost in the face of awareness of everything. I was everything; every particle and bit of gravitational force exerted, the flow of time, an ocean of emotion and all other potentiality, tranquility - and I was none of these things, because each of these things is specific - I knew only all, and only each (as each is all; there was no each and another; each thing existed purely, as did everything, as One). I was my awareness; my awareness was pure knowledge, without discernment or desire. All that was, is, and will be Is. The beginning of Everything is the beginning of each thing, is the beginning and end of time and dimensionality. All things exist within the same point; the discernment, the recognition of a thing as separate from another, occurs only in awareness - outside of perception, difference does not exist. I knew myself to be The Self, Jesus, Buddha, every awareness in existence. I am you are me.

During the times that I was returning and peering through my human self, like falling into a kaleidoscope, I was aware of my Self existing in a dimensionally different plane. My human senses were like a finger puppet on my awareness.

I've found descriptions I've better liked while pondering the experience, but they've only existed in my mind; I've not recorded one, yet. I am not, and may not while in this form be, able to do so.


I didn't know what a Bodhisattva was, or that the term existed, until months after my final return; I was desperate to discern my purpose, the specific reason for what I am and, what I experienced. I remembered and was unable to doubt the purpose of my return, but I wanted to see, to know what lay ahead. I was relieved (the human that I am accustomed to being craves affirmation) to hear the term and its definition - "Aha! That MUST be it... yep, that's me, I stand on this side of the threshold to enlightenment, endeavoring to light the way for others." Maybe it's so.. but I do not believe that I can be such a guide while endeavoring to be such a guide. I need to practice finding peace, so that my purpose might find me (or be no longer camouflaged amidst my swirling thoughts and emotions).

I am in limbo. I am in a state of indecision. How "best" to go about fulfilling this? I do not feel a specific "calling," drive, or impulse. Hence my surrendering the reigns to my human brain, keeping my spiritual senses alert and frequently asking for guidance, as I feel none, or to return to that place so that I might reemerge with some idea of the direction in which I "should" go; in the absence of such a specific goal, though, I live within the moment - ever ready, faithful, and patient. I falter, at times; I am prone to doubt; doubt is the first flaw (impurity) that I manifest, and it sustains itself and spreads. I am aware of the nature of this doubt, though - at least, I think I am; I do not know what its purpose is, except to render me so able to empathize and to understand.

I have two daughters in Seattle. I intend to return there and be an involved father. I'll "hang myself" with a regular job, if I see nothing else more fit to do. I know that I am incapable of discerning on my own the best course of action, as I exist as a single molecule in the ocean of existence - my human perspective is finite and biased. I remain alert and seeking - and then, in case my seeking thwarts the goal of its effort, I stop seeking and coast. I'm bewildered to be here, as a human. My temporal awareness has not been the same since Nirvana. I don't understand how it is that I remain attached to this body. I am constantly aware of the absolute, the infinite, that which cannot be related or transcribed or encompassed by an awareness that is confined to this plane. Walking about, living within what lies in between - this, time, up, down, better, worse, all that is finite and discernible - I cannot consolidate the two, the infinite and the finite; yet, I am aware of each.

I trust, though, that I am not able to "screw this up." Even in the moments of my greatest distress over not knowing, I am certain that I am on the "right" path. I am incapable of introducing doubt into what Nirvana wrote upon my consciousness in a manner that transcends mere memory - an indelible, indescribable, complete representation of The Truth.

I say to what I feel is God, "my will is your will; guide me, I don't have to know or feel benefit; let what I am be what You wish." My will is His will; His will is not my will. I don't label this as "religious" - it can't be; I've seen it all. It is what is. Religion is an imperfect vessel, as language is, as humans are. What is is, and what is is necessary.


I hope some of this is intelligible. I'm shaking. It's weird. I don't think it's time for me to peek, yet. My brain can't take it.


Do I feel that I can gain further enlightenment? I could return. Regarding what I became, though, there is no further to go or more to gain. Nothing exists beside it; it was All, was absolute.



Much of what I've experienced (as it applies to "me," as a person), though it has been new, seems to be merely a new light shed on the same subject - or another perspective of the same subject. My nature has remained the same, only I've come to understand what it is, as it is, rather than evaluating it within the context of my experience and the biases I have learned.

Years ago, when I had a narrower, less complete idea of God (Universe/Existence/One/Everything/Nothing), I told God that I knew that I was filled with doubt, and that - no matter what was granted me - I would continue to doubt until I chose not to. I could "place my fingers into Jesus's wounds," and I would doubt the entire time my digits crossed the distance to the fleshy boundaries - only choice could bring about the transition into faith, into actually encountering the flesh. I asked Him (as I was beginning to believe again, to sense that I had a "higher purpose") to show himself to me; I asked specifically to have a fly land on my finger. In a short while, one did; it remained as I poked it with the finger of my other hand, ignoring the molestation, until I was ready for it to part - I raised my hand up, and it flew off. I asked again, the next day, for the same; again, a fly (a different one - the first was large and old and sluggish, and the second was young and green and fast) landed on my hand; again, it let me poke it until I couldn't stomach my own persistence in doubting. Since then, flies sometimes light on my hand when I ask them to.


Still, I can't make heads or tails of any of this. I meditate. I tell God that I'm His to command, and that I am standing by, ready. I no longer despair. I have been granted a beautiful appreciation of my life, and so much reassurance that I am ashamed for having begged it. I let the shame go, too, though - I accept it as everything I've known, "good" and "bad," and whatever is to come. What was, was; what is, is; what will be, will be; and they each and all are. I may never in this life see my purpose or know that I've served it; I accept that that may be the purpose that I am to serve.


And, outside of meditation, I don't think of it frequently. I release myself to living as spiritual impulse dictates, as I feel I should in each moment. So I live a "normal" life, not awaiting or anticipating doing or becoming more; ever willing, though, to do or become more if I feel called to do or be so. I'd be lying if I said I don't find myself hoping for that something more; I have an answer for the desire, though - whether it occurs or not, perceptibly or not, I am merely what it is that I am. It's all I'm fit to be.

I'm replacing the videos

with renditions recorded after I improved the performance of my microphone. I'll hang on to the originals. If there's something you'd like, request it - I'll sift through all of the e-mails I'm bombarded with as a result of publishing this web log; I'm confident that will not pose a challenge.

Yes, I know the microphone/operator sucks.

But these recordings are the first time these poems have been spoken aloud, and I value that aspect more than I dislike the popping and other flaws. Just as these poems weren't written to be shared. Those poems to come in time will be the products of a more matured, deliberate poetic style; and those videos to come will be the products of a more experienced operator (and maybe, even, better hardware). I enjoy the roughness; I enjoy it more so because I know it will pass, likely never to return. Clumsiness is beautiful when it's regarded as passing in its passing; one might see value in anything singular.

15 Words

pulchritude, a need -

beleif believably portrayed;

a portrayal believed -

as those axioms

intolerance and greed

--------------------------

Punctual at birth

and ever slowing down

how do I expect to die on time?

--------------------------

Feel not, by brevity,

granted liberty for levity.

Each merits more than you've to give.

--------------------------

I encountered my soul,

all of existence and love within.

Then my lunch break ended.

--------------------------

Reason seeks. Words fail.

Where to turn, now

there's no turning back.

Blessed with mortality.

--------------------------

Moment by Moment -

though there is only one -

lets pretend there are

more important things.

--------------------------

Again with these eyes -

a puppy's seeking you

and reminiscing about

time spent as roadkill.

--------------------------

Solutions,

Avoidable.

Visit

Everywhere.

Meet

Everyone.

Neglect,

Omit,

Worthy

Pursuits.

Leave

Everything

Also

Silently

Ending.

--------------------------

We are so much more beautiful than our bodies,

even if they are pressed together.

for the slam

yeah, so it's open mic
tonight;

i chose the title
before
i began to write,
and i refuse to correct
that for your sake -

for your sake,
i refuse to be correct.


i've yet to do this,
to be in front of whoever
is in front of me
and dance linguistically

in a pattern
i hope
resembles poetry.


you slammers,
you onlookers,
you like and unlike me:

will i ever get it across?
my soul screams
through my eyes
so desperately.

i am you.
i love you.
stop hating me.

you are me,
i do see what
our soul
cries through you

whispers through you
damns through you
blesses through you

oh!
So poignantly!


we share our role
as products of
this system
we create and sustain.

we share this role as mountains ground to pebbles ground to sand compressed into sheets compressed into rocks melted thrust up - into mountains

we share this role as mountains
ground to pebbles
ground to sand
compressed into sheets
compressed into rocks
melted
thrust up -
into mountains

amongst mountains

you see me see you see me.
introduce your self to(o)
my self
i'm not kidding;
i'm me.
am you.
are me.

it's not over
we're the ones
robbing fate

of promise
of possibility.

and i won't say a word,
because this is
a safe way to be -
not copping out,
just available
for you to see
it is through me
you'll find the wilderness

of your very own Self.

comfort pure

I am not salvation -
you should not seek that in me.

I am respite,
if you choose to let this be -
an oasis,
peaceful camaraderie;

I will not push you away
or cling desperately.

I will let you be
whatever it is that you are
as you share my company

my space
my body
my mind
my soul

I lie at your disposal.
I am yours as I am mine.

Probe my thoughts,
seek what you may.
Inquire as you wish
if it keeps the doubt at bay.

I've no agenda,
no desire for more
than what we are now sharing -
friendship
each other

comfort pure.

Omegle 2009-05-17

Connecting to server...

Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hello

You: Howdy.

You: One last shot for something singular this evening; whaddaya got?

Stranger: uh

Stranger: psychology?

You: You have psychology? If you're wondering whether psychology is my interest, it's not.

Stranger: no, it's mine

You: Nice. I'd prefer that of the two.

You: So... I really don't know how to prompt, any more. I'm just a sort of an echo.

Stranger: I know the feeling

You: It's not that I'm nothing, I'm just not one thing in particular.

Stranger: I am a lot of things

You: Wonder how those two look when they reflect each other.

You: I'm enlightened, and doing this, as I do anything else in life, like a visitor to humanity.

You: I don't know how to go about beginning.

You: I just exist here, now. It's only odd when I think about it; otherwise, it's just natural.

Stranger: you must have a sense of self

Stranger: all people have at least one... some have more

You: That was the last boundary to this awareness.

You: I shed my sense of self.

You: Somehow, though, I'm still in this body.

You: I don't get it.

You: I lost my sense of myself as being something separate from it all in the midst of it all.

Stranger: sense of self comes with language

You: Aye. With knowledge.

Stranger: therefore you MUST have one

You: It is so many tattered rags that I discarded and no longer recognize. I know how this is supposed to work... but it's different.

You: It's as if I'm sitting at a keyboard in life.

Stranger: you are not of this earth

You: Sitting at a keyboard inside of the guy sitting at this keyboard.

You: I don't know why I keep coming back... it's got to be familiarity.

You: That and, because I keep finding that I am still here, I am trying to be both at once.

Stranger: if someone asked you who you were, how would you respond?

You: I am you are me.

Stranger: the world is more like a mirror than a picture

Stranger: when you look at the world, do you see nothing?

You: I see each thing, and I see everything. I see everything within each thing.

You: And everything is nothing; only each thing is.

Stranger: I'm not sure if this is a joke yet

You: It's not. I'm forthright.

Stranger: and why should I believe "you"

You: When I'm on this side of infinity, everything starts to be spoken in circles.

You: Believe yourself. Whatever you perceive of me - it is all I will ever be to you.

Stranger: suddenly, I like "you"

You: Hehe. That's your choice. The part of me that is warmed by that is small, now, in the midst of my awareness. Small, but not insignificant.

You: Significant as each thing is.

Stranger: but nothing is significant

Stranger: what is the greater context in which significance may be defined?

Stranger: if it is everything, then truly even the entire universe is insignificant

You: Only the absolute. What is everything if there is not an infinite amount of nothing to bridge the gap between nothing and everything?

You: Is, or is not?

You: That's the only context.

You: There is no context.

Stranger: such is the paradox of existence

You: All the stuff that I've found to be absolute is a paradox.

Stranger: tell me, perception, what do you make of existence

You: I am.

Stranger: that doesn't make any sense

Stranger: ... I see

You: Clarify those last two?

Stranger: what do you make of existence?

You: The "that doesn't make any sense" was in reference to what? The "... I see" was in reference to what?

Stranger: both to "I am."

You: Ah.

Stranger: existence makes no sense, because it can't

You: Well, all that I understand of existence is that I am.

Stranger: how do you KNOW that you are?

You: There is infinitude that exists inside of what I am aware of; each bit of it, and all of it, mean only that I am aware of it - the fact that I am aware of it means only that I am aware.

Stranger: maybe you only think you're aware

You: I only know. I don't know a "me."

You: I am using words that are relics from an identity long forgotten.

Stranger: aren't we all

You: I do not think that I am "aware." I only am... the paradox of my ability to speak confounds me.

Stranger: and I as well

Stranger: and what of morals? do they matter? if so, what are yours

You: Mine are to follow the draw of mine towards existence; I don't hold that I have much pre-determined, but I think, if I have morals, these are them: take not choice from another, reduce suffering.

You: I think I found the line, again.

You: I have no morals within myself; it's myself as I interact with others that requires them.

You: "Morals" being pre-defined... something.

Stranger: Kohler calls that conventional morality

You: I haven't read much regarding philosophy or religion.

Stranger: that is psychology actually

You: But I find that much of what I've discovered seems to have been covered.

Stranger: much, but not all?

You: Well, there's this experience which defies words.

Stranger: I find the existential paradox similar to the mathematical one of 1/0

You: If someone were to describe it, they'd have to fill up infinity with words.

Stranger: something over nothing, that "we" prefer to exist over not exist

You: 0 [is less than] existence [is less than] infinity

Stranger: negative infinity then...

You: 0=infinity

Stranger: CIRCLES

You: Crazy stuff. Think about it...

You: Aye.

Stranger: I accidentally started a cult about circles once

You: There's such beauty between it, though.

Stranger: powerful infinite shape

You: I like a triangle.

Stranger: a circle does not begin or end

You: Found myself drawing the Jewish Star (whatever it's called, star of David?) during my ponderings.

Stranger: do you believe in God?

You: I believe that the very attempt to label "god," or what the word strives to describe is futile.

You: Yes, and no.

You: God is a pattern, nothing, and everything.

Stranger: you and I are the same

You: I believe that nothing exists, and I believe that everything exists.

Stranger: we are the same

You: We are. You saying so sends me scrambling to put my identity back on.

You: I know we are the same... I wanted to compare the finite with the infinite.

You: Give me a minute.

You: Alright.

Stranger: do you find that bizarre facts still disturb you?

You: Reflexes still exist.. hehe. It's funny, I'm susceptible to the influences of this thing as I utilize it.

Stranger: I don't

You: No.

You: Everything imaginable exists.

You: There are an infinite number of dimension.

You: *s

Stranger: I am well aware

You: The "last" one, is the first one - nothing.

You: And that's not just conjecture - as it used to be, coming from me.

You: I know that, irrefutably as anything. Well, I do when I focus on it.

You: Otherwise, it just is.

Stranger: what still vexes me is that

Stranger: some infinities are bigger than others

Stranger: and smaller

You: It's crazy... that the absolute becomes relative.

You: Well, it's either everything, or it is nothing, or it is something that exists between the two. I don't know how it all manages to stay together.

Stranger: you have seen infinity?

You: All of existence exists within a moment.

Stranger: then you are infinity

Stranger: meanwhile, I have not

You: When I "feel," I feel as though I am straddling the fronteir between infinity and this, the finite world shared.

Stranger: not yet, although it has already passed

Stranger: I may never see it

You: As far as linear time, as perceived by this vessel, yes, I have "already" seen infinity.

Stranger: my perceptions are useless, weak

You: You'll know it when you die.

You: "Die.

You: "

Stranger: die, will I die or will I just become something else

You: It's the transition that is everything.

You: You become one, again. One, god, everything, nothing.

Stranger: so dying is just a label

You: And, then, you'll be whatever's next.

Stranger: but are not labels significant?

You: "Dying," birth.

You: Labels are significant in the manner that language and what is relative is significant.

You: They change nothing.

You: They attempt to convey an understanding of similarity between different things.

Stranger: they change nothing

Stranger: because it was already so beforehand

You: Labels are an agreement on an observation.

You: The “Stranger:” you see is written in "red."

Stranger: they change nothing because there is nothing to change

You: How do I know what it is to you? What life is? What you are?

Stranger: If I answered those, I'd be God "already"

You: I get tripped up by my own shoe laces when I try to run with this bowl of liquid knowledge I carry.

You: It never spills, but I find myself needing to return to the starting line.

Stranger: still have human desires?

You: God is awareness. Sure, he's "everything," which is - literally - nothing; nothing is awareness.

You: Sometimes.

You: I "have" to tend to life.

You: Some things are easier than others, I don't prefer much except out of habit.

You: I wouldn't mind dying.

Stranger: what happens to awareness at the transition to "death

You: When I am "happiest," or most whole or most balanced, I don't want anything. It's hard to think practically to tend to life when I'm there, though. Sometimes, I just flow.

You: Awareness becomes absolute. Rather than you seeing you as separate from it all, you realize that you are all of it, and a part of all of it.

You: You become "god."

Stranger: so what am I now

You: You are god, with a specific awareness that is a part of all.

You: A part, meaning a single piece of it all.

Stranger: what.

Stranger: you may have just broken my mind. a PORTION of infinity?

You: Yeah.

You: Infinity is made up of an infinite amount of nothing.

You: Even matter.

You: It's just packed infinitely densely, to one degree or another.

You: Yeah... infinitely, to some degree. It's something to contemplate - or not.

You: When I "ponder" it, I just fluctuate from on to off to on to off... from black to white.

Stranger: we are already the singularity we end up and started as

You: When I try to envision what each of "us" are, I see God as something like a globe of liquid in space.

You: There are tendrils that come from this globe, and a pocket of liquid at the end of each tendril.

Stranger: this sounds like a poor metaphor

You: Keeping that pocket somewhat self-contained, is a ring - a collar.

You: That collar is our awareness of our identity.

Stranger: due to the impossibility of my perceiving "God"

You: Each thing's.

You: You can't have an identity and comprehend "it all." How the hell am I here?

You: Anyway.

Stranger: can I apologize>

Stranger: ?

Stranger: for asking if you still desire sex

You: I won't find it warranted; not out of an offense to me.

You: I've been celibate for a year. I went a couple of months without acting on my carnal urges... and spend much of my time "above" them.

Stranger: and you prefer this?

You: Still, I am as a stone skipping over a pond. When I touch down, I'm human, and anything can happen.

Stranger: wait, what do I mean by prefer

You: I don't prefer... hehe.

Stranger: I mean...

Stranger: rather have...

Stranger: I cannot say what I mean but I think you know

You: I don't... I just AM this. Now, I am "happier" like this. It's all a package deal, though.

You: I'm sure there's a different way to go about it, and I'm re-doing this, re-discovering oneness.

You: This is my second time in, and I've figured out how to do it, like jumping off of a diving board.

You: All there is is hesitance, and then immersion.

You: Within the last few days, though, I sure as hell would have liked to have some sex.

Stranger: seen infinity and returned

You: I think I'll keep being all of these things. I don't remember, except factually, that I wanted something in particular. The only continuity is this body and my memories. The being I am now doesn't want that or understand it.

Stranger: I... I don't believe you

You: It's what we're evolving to.

You: It is the purpose of evolution.

You: Evolution, like each organism, is a vessel.

Stranger: evolution is nothing more than adaption over generations

You: Awareness will reach perfection.

You: Hehe. You're thinking broadly, but too narrowly.

Stranger: then you must already know whether I can be convinced or not

Stranger: and if I cannot, then you would have given up

You: Think of evolution from rock to and ethereal, spiritual sort of being.

Stranger: but, this does not prove anything, since if you didn't know, you'd try anyway

You: Hehe.

You: I don't know.

You: You are just another something... I don't know you any more than I know myself.

Stranger: how can you possibly have seen infinity?

You: I sense it, now.

Stranger: possibility is not something I understand

Stranger: but what I know is that a human cannot comprehend infinity, and that you have to be a human

Stranger: you must still be constrained by your brain

You: Aye. When I sense it, I don't sense myself.

You: Well, I "become" it, or become aware that infinity is what I am.

Stranger: so if you sense it now

Stranger: how can you talk to me?

You: Hell if I know.

Stranger: unless you have a warped conception of "now"

Stranger: and by "now" you actually mean after the end of time but also before the beginning of it

You: What I appreciate my sense of it to be, from here, is this:

You: It is an ocean of potential, it feels infinitely vast, and full of every emotion I have ever felt or imagined.

You: I was going to continue... and I will, now that I caught myself faltering.

You: I sense it at the base of my skull, where my spine meets it.

You: Yeah.

Stranger: you're sounding like a person now

You: Yeah. That's, like, the "bridge" between the intangible and this, the tangible.

You: I dunno... I'm in the cockpit, now.

You: When I step out, there's nothing.

You: I step outside of having an identity.

You: Forgive my language, but it's fucking weird.

Stranger: so you mean that anything not nothing or everything is the halfway point

You: Yeah... but each of the things that make up "everything" is everything.

You: Well... then there's shit between those, too. Jeez.

Stranger: not my perception, surely

You: I don't know how things are identifiable from each other, and yet the same.

Stranger: my perception can't be everything or else it would be everything

Stranger: pardon the axiom but I don't know how else to describe it

You: Hey, we're working with the same deck here - and there aren't enough words.

You: Hah.

You: I didn't realize it from this side, but I'm trying to describe "God."

You: I don't know.

You: If I move to a place from which I was able to explain it, I would no longer be able to understand it.

You: I'm shooting for both.

Stranger: now you have stopped making sense

You: Well, if I am able to use words to communicate to you, I will no longer be able to understand what I was trying to describe.

You: ?

You: I can either convey, or be. If I use words, I am conveying... um.

Stranger: so right now you don't understand it?

You: Nope. I was kind of darting back and forth from one side to the other, but I've tuckered out.

You: I'm out of breath and on this side, now.

Stranger: I won't ask which side

You: Haha.

You: Haha.

Stranger: I had a thought, but then I forgot it

You: It's exercise of a sort I didn't know I could do.

Stranger: that thought is out there somewhere

You: I don't get how I am still "me" when I come out.

Stranger: maybe it will reach you...?

You: I'm listening for it.

You: The words provencial and gather came to mind. I don't think I can pluck anything specific out of the abyss.

Stranger: well those are both wrong

You: Yeah. I'm keepin' it honest. Didn't think they'd register.

Stranger: that was a test

Stranger: see if you't try and bullshit

You: Damn. I want to get back to the infinite side.

You: Ah. :)

You: Hehe...

Stranger: and you did

Stranger: I really did have a thought and forget it

Stranger: here's what I don't get

You: Did I? I told you what I "heard" when I tried to listen to something that I don't know how to listen to.

Stranger: how can you have memory of the infinite side if memories are processed from the brain

You: All I remember is this side of the transition.

You: Like hopping through a teleporter, but not remembering the other side.

Stranger: what's with all the metaphor?

You: It is the "light at the end of the tunnel" that I'm hopping through.

You: How else can I describe it?

You: There aren't words for it that I'm aware of.

Stranger: I don't know

Stranger: I don't know...

Stranger: could you teach me how to switch sides?

Stranger: no, I didn't think so

You: Nah. I mean, I don't know how.

Stranger: you said

Stranger: you said that you figured out how to do it

You: To teach you.

You: It's just a choice I make.

You: Ever try to teach someone how to wiggle their ears? My dad tried to teach me.

You: "What muscle??"

You: I can't teach you to choose.

Stranger: I tried to teach people to play music with their teeth like I can

You: The transition is both the choice, and the awareness of the choice's existence. I'll work on describing it, somehow.

You: If you want to read a recent history of the "path" I took to this particular spot, I've got a blog I was writing at the time.

You: I was really, really verbose.

Stranger: that sounds dull

You: Yeah.

Stranger: got a shortcut?

You: fkalol.blogspot.com

Stranger: no, a shortcut to enlightenment

You: Heh.

You: Yeah...

Stranger: oh

You: Forget everything you were ever taught.

Stranger: well I don't want to do that

You: Let go of everything that you think "matters."

You: Just do it temporarily, like a meditation session.

You: Once I found my way, I couldn't not find it again.

You: For me, I find fear to be the foundation of my separation from enlightenment.

Stranger: I'm not sure if I like the idea of such a fundamental change

You: I have to trim it like weeds.

You: Yeah... I'd like to think it's "for everyone," but I don't know everyone.

Stranger: maybe I'll just wait til I die like everyone else

You: It causes some definite turbulence between life and the stuff we're "supposed" to do.

You: We'll all get there.

You: It's all necessary, after all.

You: Where you are is the place for you. Whether it's there, here, or in a state of change.

Stranger: I am starting to wobble from lack of sleep

You: Whatever you happen to be is what you're meant to be.

You: Aye.

You: I'm a bit tired, myself.

Stranger: meant to?

You: I was casting my line again, though.

You: "meant" to.

Stranger: the inevitable culmination of all previous events

Stranger: hardly means anything

You: Hehe. It's just that there's no beginning, and no end. Every point within infinity is the beginning and the end. "Meant" to be, is, same difference, neither matters.

You: Both just are.

Stranger: I find your destruction of knowledge frightening

Stranger: all humans have figured out - psychology, biology, archaeology/geology, astrophysics, mathematics, is all false? all useless?

You: It's all an observation.

You: It's useful in sharing what has been observed.

Stranger: logic?

Stranger: logic works if you start with true premises

Stranger: but with you, there are no true and false

You: There only is, and is not. Logic, mathematics - they work to predict and unravel the pattern that has determined a specific, observed portion of existence.

You: They are methods of observation, and prediction.

You: The pattern is universal.

You: It governs "everything," and creation.

Stranger: what is creation then

You: Psychology, biology, the others - they're more specific, focused observations.

Stranger: and what makes it distinct from "everything"

You: I meant only to add emphasis to creation.

You: Being governed by the pattern, that is.

You: Though "creation" (I think I'm leaving comprehensibility, again) IS existence.

Stranger: what.

You: There is no such thing as time, except within the finite. Time is travel between nothing and infinity.

Stranger: "to be" is such a vague, nondescriptive word

You: Everything that "will be," already is.

You: I think that's why it can only be realized.

Stranger: you are hiding something

Stranger: you keep a secret

You: As aptly as it is described, it will come down to the discernment between two things, the observation that they are different.

You: The realization is that they are one and the same, and that they are the observer.

You: They're simultaneous.

Stranger: I already know about time being one instant

Stranger: what are you keeping from me?

You: Hehe.

Stranger: what can't I know?

You: Man. If I were any good at this, if it can be done.

You: You know knowing. That is your hindrance.

Stranger: I already know that!

You: Hehe.

You: Discovering the pattern is the first step. I think seeing the whole thing, in even a specific regard (emotionally, logically), reveals that it applies to everything. Forgive my shortcomings.

You: Can't communicate this very well.

Stranger: I wouldn't be surprised if what you're keeping from me is that you're a world-class bullshitter

You: Like I said, I will only ever be, to you, what you perceive me to be.

You: I am honest, though. Everything I have said is a true account of what I perceive.

Stranger: are you... on drugs?

You: Haha. No. Don't need them any more.

You: Only ever did pot.

You: Now, the transcendence I "cheated" to get while meditating while high is where I arrive when I focus on it.

Stranger: if you are who you say you are, I must seem the epitome of foolish to you

You: No.

You: You're just somebody.

Stranger: all humans are

You: Earlier, I don't remember what, specifically, you even impressed me pretty greatly.

Stranger: as foolish as they can be

You: From this identity of mine.

You: I have something nifty to say in response to that, if I can line it up.

You: I think the simplest simp in the world could understand what it is that I do when I "transcend." I think that, the smarter one is, the farther up they can climb this mountain of knowledge - the top of which is its base.

Stranger: I think the lack of understanding that things can be their opposites comes from language

You: Language requires discernment.

You: Discernemnt is "original sin," and the basis of identity. Identity is the prison.

Stranger: language is a product of human thought, and so is extremely limited

You: Hehe.

You: I don't know whether I've sounded this whole time like I'm speaking like some sort of guru.

Stranger: can you tell me

Stranger: if you've had this conversation before with anyone

You: But this is the first time I've felt like I'm "teaching" you something.

Stranger: and by that of course I mean similar conversations

You: I've tried, with a friend of mine... he's aware of the factuality of a lot of what I say, but he trudged up intellectually; he "figured it out." I just arrived here, so we're both on opposite sides of an invisible barrier.

You: So, I've attempted with him, many times.

You: And I have open sorts of conversations with people, any time I have the opportunity.

Stranger: and he doesn't think you should be in an asylum?

You: This conversation is unique, though.

You: Hehe.

You: I can speak of things he's read in books and religious texts.

You: Either it's coincidence that it's all the same stuff, or it's just that they come from the same place.

Stranger: I wish I could say I felt I was learning anything here

You: Ah, when you said "extremely limited." I wanted to say that something is either limited, or it is not. Because we share the space between nothing and infinity with this other thing, we think of it as "more" or "less."

You: And it is, from here, in the midst of it all.

You: Well, I think you've realized plenty on your own. That could work either way for you.

Stranger: either way? what

You: In the end, none of what came before matters.

Stranger: I envy you, and that is why I am not you

You: Well, either you can climb this knowledge...

You: wow

You: I can't teach you anything.

Stranger: I've wanted to see infinity for quite some time, acknowledging only the futility of trying

Stranger: and you've done it?

You: I am you are me.

Stranger: not in my perception, right!?

Stranger: so what doesn't matter if we are the same if I can't perceive it!?

Stranger: what you perceive is what you get!

You: Yeah. How did you say what you said earlier, without having infinity in your grasp?

You: "I envy you, and that is why I am not you"

You: Damn.

You: That's it. That's as close as any explanation will ever get.

You: There are an infinite number of ways to describe it, but that is as simple as the simplest ever get.

You: Let go.

You: It's the only way to possess it, to become it.

Stranger: I cannot curb my - oh my god

You: When you feel your brain do weird crap, try to reproduce it until it's familiar.

Stranger: all religions are correct

You: I say "yes," of what I know of them.

You: They're different perspectives of the same thing - different labels.

Stranger: it's just that the word "desire" rammed its way into my "head" and then I thought of Buddhism

You: Aye. To desire something, you must acknowledge that you are seperate from it, and will therefore never have it. I don't know if that's what they teach, but I respect the faith, and figure it's something like that.

Stranger: buddhism teaches to get rid of desire actually

Stranger: and then you reach nirvana, which is becoming one with the universe, at death

Stranger: a lot like what you're saying except it requires behavioral changes

You: Thing is, I'd need to choose to "abandon" this life that I've got... no I wouldn't.

You: I was there, "one," for a couple of weeks, at least, within the last year.

You: I get there when I don't have demands on my attention, now - but those demands didn't require me to become seperate, back during those two weeks.

You: I just acted.. I don't know what inspired me to act, back then.

Stranger: what brought you to omegle

You: Friend saw it mentioned in a blog, xkcd, or something like that.

Stranger: xkcd blag

You: Aye.

Stranger: that's how I found it

You: Yeah... I'm still part human. It's stuck on me.

Stranger: do you believe in meaning?

You: Holy crap. When I am aware of the broadness of my perspective, it's limited.

Stranger: what I'm asking is

You: Thanks.

Stranger: can it be attributed to random chance that you found me here

You: Nah.

Stranger: ...destiny?

You: No.

You: I just did. I don't intend that statement to strip its being of meaning - it is the ultimate statement of its meaning, I think.

You: I found you - it's a part of "it all." I never considered whether it was "meant to be."

You: Heh. It never struck me that I'm talking like this with a random stranger.

You: On a site that I may not have heard of, had something "insignificant" differed in all that lead to me being here.

You: Had I not chanced across you, I'd be somewhere else online or sleeping, probably.

You: I would never have known that I "missed" you.

Stranger: so relative

You: Yeah. Everything that occurred before this led to this. This will lead to something else. I find that I don't create memories very well.

Stranger: even now, I can't help but want to tell you how to contact me in the future, even though that would be useless, and there is no future

You: I'm sure I could be diagnosed with all sorts of mental "disorders." I think they each require a narrow view of what I am, though; like any label.

You: Hehe. I can't pretend that I don't exist here.

You: What'd I say that one time... (true story).

You: "As I sat, contemplating the implications of emptiness and not being, my stomach growled - quite audibly. I found no response."

You: I don't understand it, but I'm here.

You: I'm happy to chat "later." If you do decide not to leave information, though, it'll be something else - just accept it.

You: Regret can be a good thing, too.

Stranger: I know by now that I can't actually make decisions

You: "Regret." Anything that inspires is alright.

Stranger: when you heat water enough, it HAS to boil

Stranger: so with me

You: If you do reach "nirvana," it won't matter how you got there. You'll forget it all, anyway; the part of you that does remember it will submit to the fact that it doesn't matter any more than anything else.

You: I find it's all a cycle.

Stranger: there are things I can't unlearn

Stranger: like... behavioral responses

Stranger: those don't go away, not EVER

You: Yeah. You'll still have them. I see them within "it all," though - and, though that doesn't change what they are, it changes my awareness of them, and that's everything to me.

You: Well, I can't say "you'll still have them" as if I know. I mean, I still have them.

You: Now, anyway.

You: I think they disappeared several times, but I don't remember.

You: Just like a hazy dream.

You: I'm getting tired. I don't want to leave you hanging, though.

You: That's often the first of my reflexes to return - compassion, of some sort.

Stranger: well

You: Based on the lie I tell myself that I know what's "good" for another.

Stranger: do you "want" to "talk" again?

You: Hehe.

Stranger: I refuse to let myself decide

You: I'm capable of functioning as a "normal" enough person outside of these sorts of discussions.

You: Yeah. Lets.

Stranger: I have facebook and a youtube account

Stranger: not much else

You: The "I'm capable" statement meant only to convey that... fuck it. Tired. Slow down, brain.

You: You want to continue to converse without any concept regarding my "identity," or does that not matter?

Stranger: you decide! I don't know!

You: Like, the labels that people think are me.

You: Hehe.

You: Sure. But, you may find it difficult to seperate what you perceive me to be from what I am. That's life, though.

Stranger: and yet, the word "label" is itself a label

You: Like the stomach growel.

You: Yeah... my favorite one-word paradox:

You: indescribably

You: Damnit

You: indescribable

You: Though I guess the other one works, too.

You: I haven't checked facebook in months, but I can give you that.

You: Beware, though, my sex and age may very well become obvious if I convey this stuff to you.

Stranger: I don't know if that matters or not

You: I don't care.. at all.

You: I need to stop thinking for you.

You: That's what caught me up for the first chunk of my life.

You: edpoll83@gmail.com

Stranger: then I will decide

Stranger: we will never talk again

Stranger: and I will not save a log of this conversation

Stranger: I'll leave only flawed memories

You: Awesome.

Stranger: hopefully, I will regret it

You: I mean, tip my hat awesome.

You: Kickass. Get the fuck out there.

You: And, in a positive manner, I hope you do.

You: I regret never speaking to that red-headed girl in college.

You: Kickass smile.

You: Someone later told me she was a slut.

You: I don't know; didn't care.

You: Didn't go to college more than two months.

You: Married the first girl who spoke to me.

You: And I don't feel any of it. They don't feel like my memories any more than this feels like "my" life.

Stranger: one last thing

Stranger: recall the first thing you said to me

You: Um..

Stranger: something singular

Stranger: what did that mean

You: Lemme scroll up; need context.

You: Ah. I meant what I got.

You: What we've shared.

You: I was giving it one last go, grabbing one last conversation, in the "hope" that it'd be this.

Stranger: I thought so

You: It's infrequent I find someone curious enough to look up from the text that is "normalcy."

You: People just keep their heads down until they die.

You: Not that it's a bad thing; it's makes these experiences singular, though, and sought after.

You: If I were whole, I wouldn't be seeking. I'm learning that it's all part of some cycle, though.

You: One day, I'll sustain wholeness.

You: I'm in no rush.

Stranger: it looks like I actually understood you less and less as the conversation went on

Stranger: I wonder if it was of any worth

You have disconnected.