Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
nothing to say; just the urge to say something
madison just said "eighteen... eighty-one." there was no external stimulus present to prompt it. i was reading skittle's post "meanings" on the blog "12:34." funny, random, all that wondrous stuff.
specificity eludes me. color is absent. monochrome, intangible absolutes are all i am aware of. i've got this hypothesis (based on past experience) that i'll not feel the in between unless engaged by some reciprocal; a light source through which to view the aspects of light as it travels and i remain still or as i travel through its stillness.
i heard that the girls will be going to their grandmother's "this summer;" i dunno when that is, but i'm going back to the canyon, then. come along if you'd like; i've still got to figure out transportation, or just wind up rolling without a plan of any predetermined sort.
i'm wide awake. and my third eye is tightly shut. all i can do is remember love and truth and the all; it's a "that," now - a promise that saves me succumbing to despair, but not the experience of the waves within the ocean that is despair. angst. boredom. loneliness. confusion. frustration. apathy. i know hope; i don't feel it. i know i love; i don't feel it. i know there is a way to interpret it all as beauty, but i'm not in alignment with that perspective. monochromatic; plain; lifeless; loveless - and what's it mean that i want the something else? something i cling to and release and erase my definition of. something that's not something else, but me and.. and whatever else it is that defies description. i let go. i am, but impurities exist, baffling me and efforts and the effort to relinquish effort. i chose to be here; now i can't leave. fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck!
somebody save me in the way only i can save myself. somebody point it out to me; i can point others to it, but it's conceptual to me, now; the between has become unfamiliar. help. me.
white mother wolf, visit me, please! please! please? i abandon my stupid knowing better. i don't know anything. you're out there. you're in me. where am i? damn this!
every time i look at the clock, there's some non-specific meaning in the sequence. 11:44, right now. i remember seeing mile marker 568 and wondering, "where's the '7'?" and i remember the answer being "well, i'm seven; i'm the lack i perceive, the piece that completes my perception." i am the balance of my perspective; all i perceive is the balance of me. fuck this knowledge, barrier to being. i'm stuck knowing being. i just want to be being. i need some relief. solace. peace.
god? God? i'm addressing You. help me, please. i abandon my self image. i abandon correctness. i'm lost. bleat. bleat! bleat!? bleat motherfucking bleat!!!
damnit. damnit.
respite. respite. respite. i'm lost. i'm stuck. i'm lost. i'm stuck. i'm lost. i don't remember anything but that encapsulated truth, Truth encapsulated. can i please break it open? temporarily? can i dive in? push me in! i don't remember how to jump. i keep looking for the edge to throw myself over. it's barren, here. i'm barren, cluttered with nothing. full of emptiness - pieces of it, obstacles, garbage, baggage, tethers. i'm gulliver, my thoughts lilliputians. burn them all into nonexistence; let the heap of gathered ashes await me, for later - now, though, let me be at peace! please!
i'm begging you, here, in these words, through this unpublished blog entry, within my flesh and mind and all i command - i relinquish. i let go. i don't want anything i have or am. i'll pick up the yoke, or welcome its replacement, some other time. please, i don't want to be this. not right now. i'm sorry. please. unburden me. let me be free for a while, so the memory's more fresh.
and, if that's not to be, so be it. let your will be my will, Father, Mother, God, Universe, All Knowing All Being. i love you.. i know i do. i love me; i know that, too. i love everything - why don't i feel it? i can't imagine a purpose. i can imagine a purpose that i can't imagine, my inability to imagine it being a part of its purpose or a necessity for its delivery.
i'm not happy right now, though. you know that. i'll suck it up until sweet death.
i'd really like some respite, though. i'd like to be what i pretend to remember.
am i faithless?
again?
i love you.
Peace
specificity eludes me. color is absent. monochrome, intangible absolutes are all i am aware of. i've got this hypothesis (based on past experience) that i'll not feel the in between unless engaged by some reciprocal; a light source through which to view the aspects of light as it travels and i remain still or as i travel through its stillness.
i heard that the girls will be going to their grandmother's "this summer;" i dunno when that is, but i'm going back to the canyon, then. come along if you'd like; i've still got to figure out transportation, or just wind up rolling without a plan of any predetermined sort.
i'm wide awake. and my third eye is tightly shut. all i can do is remember love and truth and the all; it's a "that," now - a promise that saves me succumbing to despair, but not the experience of the waves within the ocean that is despair. angst. boredom. loneliness. confusion. frustration. apathy. i know hope; i don't feel it. i know i love; i don't feel it. i know there is a way to interpret it all as beauty, but i'm not in alignment with that perspective. monochromatic; plain; lifeless; loveless - and what's it mean that i want the something else? something i cling to and release and erase my definition of. something that's not something else, but me and.. and whatever else it is that defies description. i let go. i am, but impurities exist, baffling me and efforts and the effort to relinquish effort. i chose to be here; now i can't leave. fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck!
somebody save me in the way only i can save myself. somebody point it out to me; i can point others to it, but it's conceptual to me, now; the between has become unfamiliar. help. me.
white mother wolf, visit me, please! please! please? i abandon my stupid knowing better. i don't know anything. you're out there. you're in me. where am i? damn this!
every time i look at the clock, there's some non-specific meaning in the sequence. 11:44, right now. i remember seeing mile marker 568 and wondering, "where's the '7'?" and i remember the answer being "well, i'm seven; i'm the lack i perceive, the piece that completes my perception." i am the balance of my perspective; all i perceive is the balance of me. fuck this knowledge, barrier to being. i'm stuck knowing being. i just want to be being. i need some relief. solace. peace.
god? God? i'm addressing You. help me, please. i abandon my self image. i abandon correctness. i'm lost. bleat. bleat! bleat!? bleat motherfucking bleat!!!
damnit. damnit.
respite. respite. respite. i'm lost. i'm stuck. i'm lost. i'm stuck. i'm lost. i don't remember anything but that encapsulated truth, Truth encapsulated. can i please break it open? temporarily? can i dive in? push me in! i don't remember how to jump. i keep looking for the edge to throw myself over. it's barren, here. i'm barren, cluttered with nothing. full of emptiness - pieces of it, obstacles, garbage, baggage, tethers. i'm gulliver, my thoughts lilliputians. burn them all into nonexistence; let the heap of gathered ashes await me, for later - now, though, let me be at peace! please!
i'm begging you, here, in these words, through this unpublished blog entry, within my flesh and mind and all i command - i relinquish. i let go. i don't want anything i have or am. i'll pick up the yoke, or welcome its replacement, some other time. please, i don't want to be this. not right now. i'm sorry. please. unburden me. let me be free for a while, so the memory's more fresh.
and, if that's not to be, so be it. let your will be my will, Father, Mother, God, Universe, All Knowing All Being. i love you.. i know i do. i love me; i know that, too. i love everything - why don't i feel it? i can't imagine a purpose. i can imagine a purpose that i can't imagine, my inability to imagine it being a part of its purpose or a necessity for its delivery.
i'm not happy right now, though. you know that. i'll suck it up until sweet death.
i'd really like some respite, though. i'd like to be what i pretend to remember.
am i faithless?
again?
i love you.
Peace
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
share. give. to the future of the future.
omegle introduced me to a fifteen-year-old who's better off than i was at twenty-five, and is, through willingness, becoming what he wishes to understand. if he can do this at fifteen, what might the future hold? if we place the youth on our shoulders, allow them to stand atop the mountain of our own failures, to continue from the point at which we've fallen - what might there be? enlightened, loving, aware children, spending a lifetime sowing love and furthering love and awareness and acceptance? what a wondrous spectacle that would be! i hope to see it; i'll return as a mosquito to bear witness, and rejoice as i'm splattered by a child who is reminded briefly thereafter of the sacredness of Life in all God's forms.
this is where we are GOING! get on board! PLEASE! please, forsake yourself, embrace Self through selflessness. there is nothing more wholesome. there is no greater fulfillment to be had.
i am so grateful.
this is where we are GOING! get on board! PLEASE! please, forsake yourself, embrace Self through selflessness. there is nothing more wholesome. there is no greater fulfillment to be had.
i am so grateful.
Friday, June 11, 2010
colin hay's "waiting for my real life to begin"
there are so many parallels, so much familiar. yes; i'm aware that i'm running in the same circle, standing in place, covering the distance between this me and death. no, awareness of the truth, of the probability of the futility, does not deter me from this course, or lack thereof, or whatever it is.
asterisks by what seems most pertinent, now.
*Any minute now my ship is coming in
*I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me
And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
*When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
*I'm walking in my own footsteps once again
And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
*Let me throw one more dice
*I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
*And I'll check my machine
*There's sure to be that call
*It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way
On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way
there are so many parallels, so much familiar. yes; i'm aware that i'm running in the same circle, standing in place, covering the distance between this me and death. no, awareness of the truth, of the probability of the futility, does not deter me from this course, or lack thereof, or whatever it is.
asterisks by what seems most pertinent, now.
*Any minute now my ship is coming in
*I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll stand on the bow
And feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down, down, down on me
And you said,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
*When I awoke today suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path
And up this cobbled lane
*I'm walking in my own footsteps once again
And you say,"Just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin"
*Let me throw one more dice
*I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
Any minute now my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
*And I'll check my machine
*There's sure to be that call
*It's gonna happen soon, soon, oh so very soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say,"Be still, my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in"
Don't you understand?
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
On a clear day
I can see, see for a long way
On a clear day
I can see, see a very long way
Thursday, June 10, 2010
whelp laid, furr end, whelp laid.
wit thin men huts eyes weighed
fur rum dis harm on he two piece -
whir ear heap laced width he's.
sill he an ticks per veiled
um id aim hinds adder
fore summer ease on
amish ore did in mad her.
the hanks hug in,
the hanks hug in.
beet wean ewe hand you knee verse,
eyes up pose aisle fined
aweigh tool of dis curs
an tomb ache id mine.
wit thin men huts eyes weighed
fur rum dis harm on he two piece -
whir ear heap laced width he's.
sill he an ticks per veiled
um id aim hinds adder
fore summer ease on
amish ore did in mad her.
the hanks hug in,
the hanks hug in.
beet wean ewe hand you knee verse,
eyes up pose aisle fined
aweigh tool of dis curs
an tomb ache id mine.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
discourse regarding count countless
aspects, modes of existence, perspectives:
1. the count
2. countless
3. count countless
the count deciphers; countless encompasses; count countless encompasses both, and the resulting both, and the resulting both, ad infinitum.
the count renders language possible; countless renders balance possible; count countless Is.
the count is i; countless is I; count countless Is.
the count is he; countless is she; count countless Is.
the count prefers; countless is ambivalent; count countless Is.
the count is specificity, is individuality, is identity, is one among all; countless is facetless and omni faceted, is all but not one; count countless Is.
the count knows being knowing; countless is being knowing being; count countless Is.
i call him the count, because that's what he does (discerns, distinguishes).
i call her countless, because she doesn't count (discern, distinguish).
the concept of count countless... unapproachable, approachable, unreachable, nonexistent, everpresent, unending... One; words, thoughts, provide but part of the whole that must be being been to be known; to understand is not to understand; unencompassable. "count countless," chosen label for the unlabellable - applied by the count, the one who requires that there be a label.
1. the count
2. countless
3. count countless
the count deciphers; countless encompasses; count countless encompasses both, and the resulting both, and the resulting both, ad infinitum.
the count renders language possible; countless renders balance possible; count countless Is.
the count is i; countless is I; count countless Is.
the count is he; countless is she; count countless Is.
the count prefers; countless is ambivalent; count countless Is.
the count is specificity, is individuality, is identity, is one among all; countless is facetless and omni faceted, is all but not one; count countless Is.
the count knows being knowing; countless is being knowing being; count countless Is.
i call him the count, because that's what he does (discerns, distinguishes).
i call her countless, because she doesn't count (discern, distinguish).
the concept of count countless... unapproachable, approachable, unreachable, nonexistent, everpresent, unending... One; words, thoughts, provide but part of the whole that must be being been to be known; to understand is not to understand; unencompassable. "count countless," chosen label for the unlabellable - applied by the count, the one who requires that there be a label.
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