i like gettin high. i like it when it comes on, and i realize that i forgot what it was to be high; in those brief moments, my sense parallels what i know when i realize that i forgot what it was to be alive. just to be here - at all. to exist within this moment that is what i am, unchangingly, slways, what i am. the universe provides; even at my most dire (or what passes for it, nowadays), i knw i'm fine, and 'll be fine. do you know wht it's like to forget that you're alive for months at a time? i have some recollection of it; it's mostly nothing, a muck not even smothering - just there, just here, but not. not.

just an instant. an intant's all it takes to regain it, and another to lose it - and just one to experience all of it, before pitching myself back in between. i'm fine. i just don't want to be; am i programmed to want someone outside of myself? i read somewhere about some particular person or term for a partcular enlightened or balanced state of being: view(ed/s) the universe and his experience as his lover. something like that - and without what once would have been reflexive determinism stating that it's got to be one of the other. it can be either, and both - right now, it can just be me and Universe, without a specific facet within which to gaze. into which to gaze.



gonna take some time, now period