The first time I've recorded, at length, any account of Nirvana (an e-mail response to an inquiry)

As always, no apologies are necessary.

Your message has left me with much to think of - specifically, the ordering of my thoughts regarding the experience and how it has altered me. I am still, a year or more later, bewildered by what I encounter when I begin to delve in to the bits of decipherable memory that I have relating to the experience.

I began this message intending to tell you that I would not, in this message, include anything regarding the Nirvanic experience, because, to relate anything relevant would take time and - necessarily - a more pure- and balanced-than-usual state of mind from which I would be able to recount what remains so elusive. Maybe I'll get somewhere if I just begin, though.

I don't expect the following to be easy to read. I intend to let go and let something else guide this. I'm helpless to sort it out.

Note: I use the term "Nirvana" because I believe it to be the most accurate, currently-existing and widely recognized attempt to define what it is that I experienced. What I experienced cannot be labeled or directly described; it is so simple and profound as to defy language the ability to address it - as I have done since realizing the absolute, infinite and nothing, I attempt to describe its context, to illuminate something that indicates it; all of these attempts themselves are bound to be incomplete, or failures. I attempt to describe a ball bearing using only Legos; Legos being words, the ball bearing being Nirvana - the One Truth that is the Beginning and the End and the flesh of all that lies between, nothing.

I do not recall the transition in to or out of Nirvana. My initial Nirvanic experience was catalyzed by my realization of the nature of a specific love that I had at the time, and of the implications of what I came to know of the nature of love and awareness as a result of this enlightenment. I do not recall how long I remained Nirvana, but I do know that - in the period of time immediately following the experience - I described it as having lasted three weeks; I don't know what reference I used to come to that conclusion. I was able to return, at will, to that state; each time following the first time, though, I soon felt an entropy, a sort of gravity associated with my being in a human state, that drew me away from the purity that my awareness had become. I didn't get "too far" away, and I returned several times. I persisted in returning to Nirvana (again, I do not recall the transition to or from), and would be bewildered upon finding myself as a human again, and consumed with the need to know why I continued to return to my impure state of being. Finally, one time soon after returning, I sensed (as a resonation, an echo from some place unfathomable - the awareness I'd just returned from), that the reasons for my return were these: I knew that such peace would be granted me again, though perhaps not until my death; in being blessed beyond blessing in having been granted the experience of such, I was more desperate to share the respite I had been granted than I was to cling to it myself - there is no room for doubt, or anything else, when in that state; I knew that my returning was purposeful. I'm human again, though, and I often long to be what I became.

The experience.. the experience was oneness. Purity. Balance. Wholeness. Everything. Nothing. I no longer knew "I". I no longer had an identity separate from being; I was all; there was no "I"; there was no frontier between "me" and awareness, and I experienced everything, was aware of everything. My awareness was as a sphere; the sphere encompassed all that is and was contained within all that is; my human senses blended with or were insignificant within or were lost in the face of awareness of everything. I was everything; every particle and bit of gravitational force exerted, the flow of time, an ocean of emotion and all other potentiality, tranquility - and I was none of these things, because each of these things is specific - I knew only all, and only each (as each is all; there was no each and another; each thing existed purely, as did everything, as One). I was my awareness; my awareness was pure knowledge, without discernment or desire. All that was, is, and will be Is. The beginning of Everything is the beginning of each thing, is the beginning and end of time and dimensionality. All things exist within the same point; the discernment, the recognition of a thing as separate from another, occurs only in awareness - outside of perception, difference does not exist. I knew myself to be The Self, Jesus, Buddha, every awareness in existence. I am you are me.

During the times that I was returning and peering through my human self, like falling into a kaleidoscope, I was aware of my Self existing in a dimensionally different plane. My human senses were like a finger puppet on my awareness.

I've found descriptions I've better liked while pondering the experience, but they've only existed in my mind; I've not recorded one, yet. I am not, and may not while in this form be, able to do so.


I didn't know what a Bodhisattva was, or that the term existed, until months after my final return; I was desperate to discern my purpose, the specific reason for what I am and, what I experienced. I remembered and was unable to doubt the purpose of my return, but I wanted to see, to know what lay ahead. I was relieved (the human that I am accustomed to being craves affirmation) to hear the term and its definition - "Aha! That MUST be it... yep, that's me, I stand on this side of the threshold to enlightenment, endeavoring to light the way for others." Maybe it's so.. but I do not believe that I can be such a guide while endeavoring to be such a guide. I need to practice finding peace, so that my purpose might find me (or be no longer camouflaged amidst my swirling thoughts and emotions).

I am in limbo. I am in a state of indecision. How "best" to go about fulfilling this? I do not feel a specific "calling," drive, or impulse. Hence my surrendering the reigns to my human brain, keeping my spiritual senses alert and frequently asking for guidance, as I feel none, or to return to that place so that I might reemerge with some idea of the direction in which I "should" go; in the absence of such a specific goal, though, I live within the moment - ever ready, faithful, and patient. I falter, at times; I am prone to doubt; doubt is the first flaw (impurity) that I manifest, and it sustains itself and spreads. I am aware of the nature of this doubt, though - at least, I think I am; I do not know what its purpose is, except to render me so able to empathize and to understand.

I have two daughters in Seattle. I intend to return there and be an involved father. I'll "hang myself" with a regular job, if I see nothing else more fit to do. I know that I am incapable of discerning on my own the best course of action, as I exist as a single molecule in the ocean of existence - my human perspective is finite and biased. I remain alert and seeking - and then, in case my seeking thwarts the goal of its effort, I stop seeking and coast. I'm bewildered to be here, as a human. My temporal awareness has not been the same since Nirvana. I don't understand how it is that I remain attached to this body. I am constantly aware of the absolute, the infinite, that which cannot be related or transcribed or encompassed by an awareness that is confined to this plane. Walking about, living within what lies in between - this, time, up, down, better, worse, all that is finite and discernible - I cannot consolidate the two, the infinite and the finite; yet, I am aware of each.

I trust, though, that I am not able to "screw this up." Even in the moments of my greatest distress over not knowing, I am certain that I am on the "right" path. I am incapable of introducing doubt into what Nirvana wrote upon my consciousness in a manner that transcends mere memory - an indelible, indescribable, complete representation of The Truth.

I say to what I feel is God, "my will is your will; guide me, I don't have to know or feel benefit; let what I am be what You wish." My will is His will; His will is not my will. I don't label this as "religious" - it can't be; I've seen it all. It is what is. Religion is an imperfect vessel, as language is, as humans are. What is is, and what is is necessary.


I hope some of this is intelligible. I'm shaking. It's weird. I don't think it's time for me to peek, yet. My brain can't take it.


Do I feel that I can gain further enlightenment? I could return. Regarding what I became, though, there is no further to go or more to gain. Nothing exists beside it; it was All, was absolute.



Much of what I've experienced (as it applies to "me," as a person), though it has been new, seems to be merely a new light shed on the same subject - or another perspective of the same subject. My nature has remained the same, only I've come to understand what it is, as it is, rather than evaluating it within the context of my experience and the biases I have learned.

Years ago, when I had a narrower, less complete idea of God (Universe/Existence/One/Everything/Nothing), I told God that I knew that I was filled with doubt, and that - no matter what was granted me - I would continue to doubt until I chose not to. I could "place my fingers into Jesus's wounds," and I would doubt the entire time my digits crossed the distance to the fleshy boundaries - only choice could bring about the transition into faith, into actually encountering the flesh. I asked Him (as I was beginning to believe again, to sense that I had a "higher purpose") to show himself to me; I asked specifically to have a fly land on my finger. In a short while, one did; it remained as I poked it with the finger of my other hand, ignoring the molestation, until I was ready for it to part - I raised my hand up, and it flew off. I asked again, the next day, for the same; again, a fly (a different one - the first was large and old and sluggish, and the second was young and green and fast) landed on my hand; again, it let me poke it until I couldn't stomach my own persistence in doubting. Since then, flies sometimes light on my hand when I ask them to.


Still, I can't make heads or tails of any of this. I meditate. I tell God that I'm His to command, and that I am standing by, ready. I no longer despair. I have been granted a beautiful appreciation of my life, and so much reassurance that I am ashamed for having begged it. I let the shame go, too, though - I accept it as everything I've known, "good" and "bad," and whatever is to come. What was, was; what is, is; what will be, will be; and they each and all are. I may never in this life see my purpose or know that I've served it; I accept that that may be the purpose that I am to serve.


And, outside of meditation, I don't think of it frequently. I release myself to living as spiritual impulse dictates, as I feel I should in each moment. So I live a "normal" life, not awaiting or anticipating doing or becoming more; ever willing, though, to do or become more if I feel called to do or be so. I'd be lying if I said I don't find myself hoping for that something more; I have an answer for the desire, though - whether it occurs or not, perceptibly or not, I am merely what it is that I am. It's all I'm fit to be.

I'm reading through my years-old letters.

[OMITTED: A bunch of stuff I quoted from a previous message written to me.]

AAAaaaahahahahaha. That's the funniest goddamned joke I've told in years.

My humor might be a little off. I [insert myriad plausible excuses here, but know - in spite of my best efforts to rebuff its significance - that I really do think it's funny, and wish I didn't give such a shit that you might that I type all of this shit in here and realize a singularly and extemporaneously honest moment within my e-mailing experience. I don't know why I always sought your approval - it was reflexive, and I was hurt like a child when you (or any male I looked up to - "respected" wasn't enough) was disappointed in me.]. Wow. I can grow just typing to you, without sending this or anything.

I didn't intend to bring you with me on this therapeutic outing, nor did I request you come along - and I appreciate it.











Lata

(heh)




========================================================
[And the follow-up, begun an hour later]
========================================================



It's now that I get the real opportunity to explore myself - the previous message having been a spur-of-the moment thing, within the last minute, instantaneously, I was overcome by a sense of dire regret. I was appalled by the emotion as soon as I identified it, and my abrupt analysis pinpointed some of my current boundaries - now I know where to apply pressure. I have found a flaw.

I can say that because I have determined what I desire my perspective - inclusive of character, personality, beliefs, spirituality - to be. Until I began typing that sentence, my fingers stumbling, unresponsive under the weight of the realization that they were involved in granting, I did not know what it was that I wanted - I knew what I wanted, but I did not know that it was what I wanted. I visualized what I felt, and it was so simple - I see a dome, of a consistency I can't describe but would say is smooth, with a mist over it; the dome stretches at too abrupt an angle to be seen for more than a few strides, or maybe eternity - I have no concept of my own size and stride, only my experience of the place; still, I sense forever behind that translucent veil as much as I sense the edge.

Does it get better than that? Honestly, please. I'd say "for my writing," or "in my style," but I operate from within my own perspective and see brilliance - though [I doubt] it may change momentarily, I am possessed by a surety of purity now.

I'm sure I meant to type something else. Ah, yes:
The "open plain" la-dee-dah wouldn't be worth jack shit without its collaborative explanation, which is this: I sense the plain, somehow see and feel it. I purely sense it; it is a meditative plain that is sustained in spite of my focusing on writing this. While replaying my reaction (like TiVo, man), I sensed something jagged outside of the area immediately around me concurrently with the "what the fuck did I just do" moment. It was a a momentarily intense awareness of - followed by a residual awareness of - a distant location, tangible within which were the features of this flaw, this jagged outcropping of the same substance that makes up the plain, it seems. I haven't figured out how to get rid of it yet, but I think I just have to stay near it, and it will dissolve. I sense that that is the truth, as I know it is the truth, just as I know that all I have to do is think of its features and I am next to it, and that, if I want it to leave, I must hold myself there in awareness of it, in spite of my protest. Can it really be that simple?

Awesomeness.

I enjoy these, as they are as much my creation as they are that of some dimensionally greater being.
...
I believe I've conveyed to you before that I believe that awareness as we humanly define it is the frontier between the "third" and "fourth" dimensions? I think our lives would look like trees within the fourth dimension, too - as we would see the work of some second-dimensional consciousness (as I think awareness is the frontier between all dimensions) within a plant.

Enigmatic -- (Her post followed by E-Mails)

The Craigslist post:

I have been ready for you long enough. I'm waiting.

Come, come, come to me.

I will pull the blankets over your shoulders at night, wrap you in my arms, and see no one but you in all my dreams. I will listen to your pain and allow you to know mine.

I just want to feel that strength: the strength of a man standing behind me and beside me in all that I do, by every breathe I take, for the rest of my life. Where are you then? Follow me, stop me, make me see you, correct my mistakes. Hold me. Trap me. Don't let me run when I try to hide. Find me. Love me.

There I am....these eyes wait....I wait.

I'm not in London. I am either nowhere near you or right beside you. I wish I knew which honey, wish I knew where to look.

================================================================


And the ensuing:

And I will send this in spite of the doubt that persists, the bewildered hollow left by giving so much of myself, to the world or to another, and watching it wash away, neglected, rather than be cradled and cherished as I expected. I will write, even though I "should know better," that nothing lasting should come from it, because I am adamantly, steadfastly, unwaveringly hopeful. I refuse to be disheartened by the seemingly insurmountable, these illusions of obstacles - I have a boundless desire and all of time to find you again, and I will find you over and over again when we part. I have the rest of this life to gain your company; I intend to enjoy it once I have it, and to seek it while I don't. The demands of "life" fail to distract me from that which is drawing my heart - you, my balance, inevitable and ultimately necessary, worthiness transcending that of everything else. I will find you; I must; and my life after that point will be filled with the inverse of what came before.

I mean all that I wrote above, but I've just slipped back into the mental garb (armored as it is) of the more practical side of me; I expect that, for the rest of my response, I will be less bare.

I assume that every other person feels the same draw, the same need for a specific counterpart, and I refuse to pass a verdict based solely on that similarity. However this message strikes you, though, you seem to me the sort that I would enjoy speaking with. Even if intoxication contributed to the evolution of your post. Especially if it did not.

That picture sequence was intriguing; I saw you, life, the vortex life becomes, and its effect on your perception and the way you are perceived.


Much of what you said applies well enough to me:
"I have been ready for you long enough. I'm waiting."
I know that I have spent more time than this particular life has encompassed seeking her; nothing else explains the magnitude of what I feel.


and, if ye be she:
"I will pull the blankets over your shoulders at night, wrap you in my arms, and see no one but you in all my dreams. I will listen to your pain and allow you to know mine.
I just want to feel that strength: the strength of [my love] standing behind me and beside me in all that I do, by every breathe I take, for the rest of my life. Where are you then? Follow me, stop me, make me see you, correct my mistakes. Hold me. Trap me. Don't let me run when I try to hide. Find me. Love me."

It's true:
"I'm not in London. I am either nowhere near you or right beside you. I wish I knew which honey, wish I knew where to look."


I find that, recently, it has required more effort to sustain a specific hope. I've grown weary. I feel, though, that I am gathering myself up again, and for what feels like, this time, it will be lasting.

I feel equally compelled to say to her "Save me!" and "I am here with you; you are saved."

Maybe I don't know anything at all, but I choose to believe that I do. Maybe I'll never find you, but I will always know that I will.


================================================================

Hi Edward.

I don't expect to find him through a post. I was kinda talking to the universe, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for your beautiful email.

I am actually ignoring almost everything that comes in. I really don't think luck is going to send him over the moment I enlist CL to help.

I hope you are having a great week over there.

I'm incredibly guarded. I have to be honest, I'm almost certain I won't fall for someone over the internet, so please don't get your hopes up with me. I'm liable to be one big disappointment.

================================================================

I don't usually reply to e-mails in a line-by-line answer format. I also don't think I've ever communicated with strangers over the internet outside of a commercial or gaming interest. But I feel like doing it this way, so I'll just continue on until I see fit to change or quit (your disinterest or objection being ample reason for me to see it that way; I'm not the belligerent sort).

I sure hope not to fall for anyone through a situation as mundane as internet browsing; not that it'd bother me once I had her. I'd hope my first encounter with her is either entirely forgotten, or worthy of being filed under the "how we met" title. I don't mind grabbing at the straws that seem to indicate interesting people, though, and hoping to find one. I DO enjoy speaking to the universe. I've heard it speak back through other people a few times.

I'm glad the e-mail was appreciated. I'll eventually address this persistent desire of mine to produce something beautiful; I can't imagine a better occupation than manufacturing beauty.

I'm having a pretty bland week within a profound period in my life.

I'm honest, I'll stay that way, and I'm glad that you're guarded. If you weren't, I figure that you would be either too naive, or too advanced in realizing yourself for me to appreciate right away. I know I'm safe enough in my armor/fortress/interpretation/

perspective/whateveritis. I'm not looking to sell myself, and I've no expectations - either of a response to my e-mails, that the response I might get will be something that I want or enjoy, or that I'll even continue thinking that it was a good idea to browse the personals in the first place. Your original post and the response have already made this a positive experience for me..

I'm still silly enough to believe that it might, in the sappy-teen-movie style, be a better world if I expressed to you my doubt that you could be a disappointment. In the midst of that statement, like my hope in the midst of my chiding myself for having it, is what I meant to say. I've enjoyed it thus far, so you will never be a complete disappointment.



...hours later, after performing a service call that I didn't know I would have until early this afternoon - a job I was contacted for thanks to my Craigslist>Services>Computers post. Nice...

I always liked the sorts of conversations during which the use of the following statement was not obtuse, and I shall make use of it despite the fact that its inclusion in this simple context is somewhat obtuse, but significantly less obtuse, I daresay, than the statement for which it serves as the caboose, "I digress."

Anyway, my intended point was that it's been a while since I wrote all of the stuff preceding the preceding paragraph.

I find that I live, naturally, as Mr. Rik claimed to, with "high hopes and low expectations." I think it was a Colin Hay song, or maybe Ben Harper (notice that casual inclusion of the sort of music that I'm currently listening to... smooth, Ed, smooth) that I was listening to today, a song I enjoy greatly, and noticed a lyric, or maybe the refrain, where he sings "live without expectation, and without regret." No!.. it was the Heartless Bastards, "Came a Long Way."

I'm unusually playful right now.

So I'll do the smart thing, rather than continue rambling.

================================================================

I'm an obtuse caboose on the lose, too. In fact, my guarded nature is a whateveritis, and, I daresay, a digression of expression through which the experiences preceding the preceding experience were rambles as well.

:P

I fell in love with someone over the internet two years ago, and we still haven't managed to tear ourselves from one another.

We met. We fell harder. We ran like hell.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm My instincts are hasta la vista. He just came waltzing back in again. I think I should cut this short and bid you farewell. I don't respond to other responses, so here is my goodbye kiss, one for each cheek. And now, I awkwardly stumble ape-like in ballet shoes back to the creature that churns my butter like a honey bee makes sweetness from beauty.

Thanks for the lovely word acrobatics. You're mind does intriquing sommersaults to the benefit of mankind!

Take care,

[Her melodic name here]

================================================================

Any my deep nod of farewell - not a bow, for my knees are too weak to bear it. It had been so long since I sensed so pristine the bitter and the sweet where they meet, at the frontier between the two warring halves of me.

Thank you. Thank you.

You, milady, outdid what I expect myself capable of exceeding. I bow, I bow. I am humbled and enticed, and just as glad to bid you farewell. It never shall be a bitter thing to recall, this shining blister of too much of life in such a small space Let this be, and...

There. Something else that is beautiful.

Courting/Terrorizing Craigslist Personals Posters

not catty,
Your honesty is certainly the most appealing aspect of your post; it affects everything, rendering it so mischievously attractive. I'll borrow some words and describe myself, "I'd never cheat, I'm just... a little stubborn... I'm extremely independant and needy all at the same time... I'm a lot of fun and can be taken almost anywhere... I love a good whiskey." I am a recovering sarcastic son of a bitch; I've convinced myself that I am "past all of that" and am seeking some other habit to pick up to enrich my life and rid me of this dullness that's been here since. I'm seeking a more zen-oriented lifestyle; I'm not sure exactly what "Zen" means, but I think it means a balanced awareness of existence and purpose, and a constant awareness of a well of peace within the moment that we exist within. You'd be just the one to sabotage those efforts. I won't go on, other than to add why it is that I'm not going on - a couple of major potential-reducing (I think they call them "deal-breakers," though I would prefer that verb be replaced with "postponers" or "alterers") facts amongst the following:

I'm twenty-six years old (or will be as of the 28th of this month).
I am a divorced* father of two girls, ages two point five and four point five. <--(that's some of my sarcastic humor bleeding over there [the numbers, not the asterisk]) I am always, always honest. I would rather be injured than lied to. I'm a dreamer, and am just recently (maybe) becoming an achiever - not that I've been a loaf; I've just not accomplished anything near that something I know myself to be capable of. My thoughts frequently turn towards the "philosophical" and "deep." I will not be back in the Tacoma area until later this year, if at all. I am back in the city that I call home, #########, Louisiana, with my two daughters. My mind never stops running. I tend to overwhelm people upon meeting them. I see, very frequently (though I've only been looking at them for the last three days) in W4M Craigslist ads, the poster claiming that she is "very shy at first," then warms up later. I'm the opposite; people know who I am within five minutes of meeting me. Not that I'm not dynamic... I never stop changing, as far as I can tell, but the core of me remains the same. Psychedelic onion has a nice ring to it. Haha... I didn't intend that pun. Not often I have myself laughing out loud at something that I say (or anything at all), but that sort of humor is just my type; I'm a corny s.o.b. Yes, I have re-read what I've typed, and I've decided to leave it. Sure, I scared off the one responder to my first and only Craigslist M4W (I call these ads by a name that I didn't even know the meaning of last week) by hurling such a lengthy and me-like response at her... I'm overwhelmingly forthcoming. I'm quite verbose. Though this spills over to my conversational habits as well, I am aware of it and do my best to share, and to be a bearable windbag. Love is the greatest thing ever; I think everything is made from it - but it'd take a long time to explain the physics of it. Being aware of the existence of happiness is all that I need to feel happiness. I'm probably bi-polar, and have many traits attributed to a schizophrenic personality type. There. That's about the worst I can do. In the eighth grade or so, I discovered "Be" to be the shortest sentence, sharing the title with "Go," or any other two letter verb - the subject would be implied; "you," that rascal. I can't believe I'm not going to delete any of this crap. It's the only way to go. Leaping. Not looking. Every Wednesday night is two dollar Crown night at the ##### ####### here in #########. I spent my Wednesday nights there until I re-obtained my daughters during Christmas time. I'm sorry for this if you take it some way other than how I wrote it, just sincere and bare. I hope you get it, and me (a little). I'm not procrastinating, just entertaining doubts that I know I'll act in spite of, anyway. Oops. They're gaining, so I'm just going to send it, now. Whatever-the-Hell-I-Should-Put-Here,

Edward

p.s. I just began re-reading this, as I think I always do before sending any typed message, and the beginning was so cool that I decided to send it without fully re-reading it. It's awesome on its own, regardless of the result. I think it's awesome because there was no pretense there; I wasn't going for anything but me, and it wound up being something that I like. So, thank you.

p.p.s. Sometimes, I get very high on life; I mean it.

p.p.p.s. It's in the action, not result.

I'm an idiot.

Re: Re: The "Welcome Hat"

Vetoing an idea of mine because it's "nerdy"? I know I mask it sufficiently well, but I'm a nerdy guy. You'll come to realize that, with the whole interest in theoretical mathematics, philosophy, computer jockeying, and myriad other pursuits that definitely qualify for the label. I'll stick one on there until I've had my fill of conversations prompted by its presence; that, or I'm tired of it. Maybe we can get a "nerdy" pin, too

You can't wield that plausible-future-based pish posh on me; you haven't been voted into office yet (you're one vote shy). Check my newest self wall-post on facebook, and you'll understand why it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to accept the veto. Overruled!

Or, in order to avoid extended deliberation, perhaps we could embroider it on there. Black or tan thread would be nice.

The "Welcome Hat"

I want a "welcome" button for my hat; in that way, people may realize that it is, in fact, my "Welcome Hat." Yeah; it rests on the doorstep to each conversation, if someone chooses to cross that threshold. I so rule.