Hi Edward :)
It was nice finding your reply~and much better than the one-and-done sentences so many people reply with. I know what you mean about the singularity and loneliness that go with not fitting into the "norm" of society. I have the feeling that people like you, me, my one other friend that is so philosophical are on the fringes of society. We are out there, but to let the world know of our different ways of thinking, of viewing life is scary. Most people are in the comfort zone of every day living, and to leave that~to move into different planes of thought and dimension~freaks them out. Of course *finding* the people like us is another matter. I bumped across my other friend through a penpals site~and found yours on CL.
I noticed on your blog that you're in ########## :) We lived there from ####-####. It was nicer then than now (from what a friend tells me), ####### really exploded the population. I took ballroom dancing lessons while we were there (#############), and those lessons are perhaps some of my most warm (yet painful) memories.
[[I really am all sorts of things and constantly changing, except for that thing that never changes, the moment that is me. I become it every now and then, when I reach my center..]]
This is very true of myself. The moment that is me~my center~is still reaching out, one tentative finger at a time, exploring. It has been...shall we say, dormant~for nearly half my life. Now that I'm awake and I'm getting more comfortable being the real me and it's exhilarating. I'm not going anywhere, feel free to take your thoughts wherever they lead you~I'll be able to follow and maybe perchance, take you on some new dimensions you have yet to consider. Certainly happy to give it a go! :)
[[No string of communication begun within this series of attempts has lasted; I think people might sense too much of something that makes them uncomfortable within what it is that I am seeking - I think that I am seeking to tear down the walls which are the foundation of this structure of accepted common perspective. I don't even know whether I should; but I can, and I am, and I am what I am.]]
It does no good to fit into society's mold. I've tried, it only leads to the unrest of the soul and discord. I have also discovered (at least with CL) that most of the readers are out for things to satisfy the basic carnal/basic (food, sex) needs of humans. To find someone cerebral (let alone well written!) is a rare jewel among the rocks, so I treasure such when I find it.
[[I think I function as a normal enough guy. Most people seem to think I have a great sense of humor, am very compassionate and well-mannered, and am not "weird." ]]
*laughs* Define weird! To be honest, I think the whole general world-as-we-live-it is weird! It's very rare that people discover who they truly are, rare they seek to touch the center of themselves. When they do~as you have, as I have~it adds color, dimension, and lights.
[[ I think that what they see and like is crafted, live, by that mechanism I developed and allowed to do the work of socializing for me for so very long. I think that the fact that any person is yet to delve into what I truly am fuels an elusive sense of indignation in me.]]
Survival. Fitting in. A sense of needing to belong, yet totally alone within. All to familiar. Yes, the indignation is there, and anger. That I've essentially slept through the first half of my life and that now I'm fast fully awakening, there are so many hurdles to cross.
[[Doesn't anyone want to know?]]
I do, and look forward to learning more :)
Till next time,
[Caretaker]
=======================================================
Dear Dear,
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!
What I read reassured me to the degree that I was confident enough to deign to acknowledge the tip of the iceberg that is my ecstatic acceptance of the blanketing comfort that I sensed growing as I read your response. I'm reeling, and might reply in a manner more austere at a later time - though, I do recall never liking the austere, it having never appealed to my artistic interpretation of reality. I am relieved to hear your understanding ringing in my mind as I decipher the meaning of your words and find them to be a portrayal of this same landscape which I so recently found, and found to be desolate and lonely. What you are reading is the gift of that realization, this harmony of mine with existence.
I wrote this, among other things, with my antique typewriter (recently recovered from ####### after an arduous three-day driving marathon, partnered with my older brother whom I had not interacted with at any length for nearly a decade - all of that just to convey a brief description one of the ripples resounding out from my center and creating the context, the periphery of that particular memory [how do we ever hope for language to convey enough of us for anyone to begin to understand who we are? Heck; just read what I wrote, and I guess this is something I'm currently "stuck" on in this never-ending journey of self-exploration]).
Bleary-eyed, I realize a place where all of existence serves as each of the lazy diodes on a cheesy streaming digital banner some two decades old, plodding along its message and failing to allure in this ocean of holographic marvels.
I saw myself walk by it all too many times to count.
I don't remember ever seeing anything else.
I added those last two lines just now, but I think it's a bit of what I wanted to capture earlier but failed to. I said before, I am so many things. This is what I am now. Thank you for saying "I'm not going anywhere, feel free to take your thoughts wherever they lead you." In this pursuit, I knew that there could be no compromise. This has been my manner of operation in this experiment: after having sufficiently mapped (by my judgment of how much of a bridle I would be willing to place on my happily nimble thoughts) a stable portion of my brain for my companion, I spoke just what I was. I know that my perspective is absolutely limited to what I perceive, but I observe that "most" of the fewer than a dozen people I interacted with disengaged at the same time, or a short while after the time that I gauged they each would become uncomfortable with the depth of the thoughts I was attempting to engage their minds with. They seemed to forget about that fully functional and outstandingly capable social interface with which they so eagerly became familiar, that facet which they might refer to as my personality. What is required of me to sustain interaction with this common world, is insignificant within the plane of my conscious. Suspended in my ennui I analyze and deduce from my distilled perspective so easily what seems to confound these people who I was one of so short a time ago, and I believe that "most" people are not ready to digest what it is that I so hanker to discuss. Regardless of whether I believed a person who I was fond of speaking to had a broad enough perspective to process what I was conveying, I conveyed it - for I know my perspective to be limited, and I could be wrong either way. I cannot hobble myself any longer; sure, I can, but I choose not to, and I am what I choose to be. I keep coming back to that, and it makes sense, but I am having trouble accepting it.
This was great fun to write. I was on a playground again - maybe what we feel like a child while performing is our calling. Meh. I will apply the same buffer (allowance for oblivious misinterpretation, though I think it should be univerally applied) to your writing as I understand may be necessary with mine. I don't know how much of a "warm-up" period, if any, anyone might require to understand me, but know that I am a liquid sphere of honesty - throw any thought into me, and it will be affected by the physics of what is me and you will hear its *poiks* and *blubs* and see the ripples it creates just as fully as I can convey them - just how I perceive everything and its journey through me. It is all I am able to do while remaining sure that I am placing one foot in front of the other in this trek of trust in this knowledge I am imbued with and that it does indeed lead me to that great home which I sense looming out in time.
Recall what I said before about appreciating what it is that pours through me and "onto paper" as much as any other person might. I enjoy writing it, too. Man, I really enjoy writing.
Ever Fond and Newly Calm,
Edward
===================================================
Now, because the cost is naught and I want to cover what you conveyed in your response in a studious manner, I will author a studious reply. This is me returning with the broom and dustpan to dutifully clean up the debris I imagine having left behind while smashing through the wall into this plane of consciousness. I know I don't know a thing outside of me and cannot accurately predict which of the myriad possible reactions that may have been yours, but enjoy the stage and props that I paint for you as I present what I intend to in the manner that I usually do. I was moving so quickly that everything along the way was a bit of a blur. I find that this expansion of my consciousness is constant, as long as I am constantly capable of maintaining my awareness of it. Shut up, man. It's an exponential progression of the breadth of thought that I constantly experience when focusing on any one thing; my mind tries to put into words the Truth that I am aware of, and the language falls short. It is only that "narrator" I'd referenced before in responses to others that was able to bridle me - by bottle-necking me with his clumsy, ungainly words and rendering me convinced of his necessity. I have only just realized that I am capable of choosing to be aware. Hmm. I wonder if this is temporary - my "peak experience" lasted a couple of weeks; that was wonderful. I also just realized that I wouldn't enjoy this in the same way if I relinquished this limited perspective of mine from which I appreciate that greater one. I'll try to tame my verbosity if you like, but I hope that I am correct in sensing that you will enjoy it. After all, it probably takes more than ten times as long to type as it does to read it.
Activate the Studious:
I live in #########; my good friend lives in ##########, and you are correct - things are uglier there thanks to the population incursion following #######. I really would like to learn to dance with confidence; I count it as another language.
"It does no good to fit into society's mold. I've tried, it only leads to the unrest of the soul and discord." Aye. Aye. I found that I not only contorted in order to prevent myself from spilling out of the cramped mould, I built the mould from what I perceived its plans to be, written in space and my imagination.
Hesitant Due to the Familiar and Apprehension-Inspiring Result of Sending So Very Much at One Time but Trusting It'll All End Well,
Edward
p.s. For fun and its pertinence to your comments and my views regarding the nature of most people's pursuits on CL, I include my first local post:
Brilliant and stuff. Seeking friend first. Must love discourse. - 26
Reply to: pers-1051039557@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-02-25, 11:32PM CST
I've a brilliant mind. I am not argumentative. I am passionately fond of deep, stimulating, enlightening conversation. Sports, politics, and the details concerning most institutions of man do not readily make, for my tastes, good conversation. I am: passionate, honorable, honest, principled, noble, empathetic. I did not pick those adjectives lightly; I mean that each is fundamental to what I am. I am not missing any of the attributes that I believe make a good person. I know that good and bad are based entirely upon perspective. I am often perceived to be overwhelmingly forthcoming. I think autonomously - I define myself and the nature of the world I perceive. The values that I wrought, embrace, and uphold resemble those that are labeled Christian and Buddhist. I consider things as separate wholes. I haven't had sex in about a year, or a stimulating conversation in about a month. I would currently rather have a good conversation than good sex. I'm very, very old for my age. I am, at times, very young for my age. I benefit greatly from meditation. I enjoy long, comfortable silences.
I am single. I have two daughters, ages four and a half and two and a half. My priorities and lifestyle are unconventional.
Regarding my face and body, on a scale from one to ten, I am between a one and a ten. I really would rather that it not matter all that much to you.
I want you to be a stellar conversationalist, an idealist, a hopeful romantic, constantly curious, someone who makes up her own mind. If you're a male, or know one who fits that description, please know or convey that I am a heterosexual male who would be thrilled to converse.
I'm open-minded. Very. I love each person. I prefer to come to understand rather than to judge. I think that, at the center, we are all the same.
I am an open book. I have no "deepest, darkest secrets;" they may be deep, but I'll shine a light down the well and describe each object at the bottom, relating the story of how each one fell down if a person has the desire and time to listen.
If I did not include some information you would like, please ask me. I guarantee my answer will be honest.
Alright, I'm open-minded enough to accept persons with superficial compulsions, and want to convey to whoever cares that my fitness level is (I think) better than average (one hundred and eighty pounds at five nine and a half) and think that I'm attractive. I only began to realize that I am pulchritudinous within the last couple of years, and often wonder whether I would rather be physically unattractive. My partners (not all that many) have consistently, greatly enjoyed love-making; that, or they have been consistently, greatly gifted at misleading me. I do not say this in order to add to my appeal - I'm not up for casual sex, even after getting to know someone, and it's not something I intend to share with anyone I am not in love with at the time.
I have no expectations. I know that I could fall in love in an instant, and out of it as quickly; it could just as easily take the rest of my life, or last for it. Whatever is will be because of what it is, not because of what I planned for it to be. That applies universally.
If there's a gap in some area of my self-description that is important to you, don't go assuming it's empty. I find it easier to answer questions that are asked rather than try to give the answer to none.
Any mistakes might indicate that I got tired of proof-reading this (something I do compulsively when typing) rather than my lack of the kickass languageosity that I been requesting you possess.
This was my attempt at a short post.
Whatever you do, find peace.
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