Now if I could just fucking feel it.
Why do I not feel alive when I am not in love?

I did it for quite some time there. I was connected to absolutely everything. I peaked and sustained that level of awareness for weeks on end. This, too, is something beautiful that I am fond of recalling; I love bathing in those memories. So, am I looking for my drug? Do I seek someone to make it easier for me to reach the place that I am capable of residing within, at my leisure, when I master my mind? Would I feel that I was using her?

Is my claim to honesty just an excuse? Honesty comes easily to me - I feel no pain. Then, I do. I remember eons spent plummeting to the never-arriving bottom of an immense well of despair. Maybe it is that nothing else I might suffer could approach what I inflicted on myself. Am I seeking someone to bridge these two sides of me? Someone whose continuity of perception would allow me to see myself as I appear to them, a whole picture. I think that's it. I think it's a lot of things.